Get Up And Walk

Over and over the same message resounds. “Self-discipline and relentless hard work.” I have a mildly addictive personality, but in the past few years I’ve not given myself anything to wholeheartedly consume my mind/heart, and it’s rendered me restless and unproductive. The twenties are a beaker in which calling/career are supposed to crystallize. Want something to give myself to. It’s slowly ever so heartrendingly slowly getting there. I’m in a rush and exasperated but God isn’t.

General incompetency when it comes to friendships/relationships because I do what I want, no matter what the cost. Independent in that I rarely let people close enough to the point where I’m forced to accommodate them. Implicit in my actions, “I change for no one.” I romanticize the “freedom” to live as I please. Hate my flaws being brought to light. Hate being kept accountable. Hate being pushed to give more than I’ve already determined to give. So resistant to partaking in that which imparts life to dry brittle bones. Challenges from people who really know me are much needed instruments of his grace.

Give up on people pretty damn easily. The more I meditate on it, the more God’s love confounds me.

Eye Dee Kay

Not really any topic in particular, just stream of consciousness to get stuff out.

Pet peeves. Slow people and having to repeat myself multiple times. It pisses me off like crazy when people don’t respond to emails or they respond to other people’s comments and ignore mine. Or I bring up something and it doesn’t get a response. When people say they’ll do something and they flake, or they’re late without letting me know they’re going to be late. I don’t mind waiting for people when I know why and how much time it’s going to take. I dislike inaccurate ETAs. Taking a second to pick at the common thread, I absolutely hate it when the people I care about take me for granted. I feel like it happens every day. In return I take the people I care about for granted too, a) partly out of spite b) partly out of self-centeredness and c) partly out of early onset alzheimer’s.

Been reminded of what I’ve been taught in terms of obedience. We’re to obey even when we’ve yet to understand why, even when we don’t want to. Our thoughts are not his thoughts, and we’re to try to think his thoughts after him. Being the stubborn rebel that I am, I silently recited “test everything, keep only the good” whenever I disagreed with anything. That holds true when people come along trying to sell me something. As for biblical commands, just the fact that he’s the one saying them is ever reason enough. I forget that, as well as the commands. In need of the full counsel of God.

My lack of discipline is really kicking my ass these days. Undermines all that I do. Need to pray about it much more. But again. Prayer can never substitute for obedience. OBEY ELLE OBEY.