Chloe Jin

Finally got her! She is so pleasing to my eye and comes with a built in tuner. Tov meod. It’s past 3am in New Hampshire and I have been practicing songs for almost four hours. My fingertips are starting to hurt, honestly it’s been years since they were calloused. Excited like when I first got Ally (2005?) but Chloe is twenty times better. I’ve wanted a Seagull since forever, and always liked the jumbo shape, plus it’s a CUTAWAY I get giddy just looking at her. I love songs that require fingerpicking and she sounds amazing. So list price is 859 but I got her for 629, no tax and no shipping! And the free gig bag is more protective than most.

Also our birthdays are a week apart, I’m March twenty-third and she’s March thirtieth.

Chloe is the last major purchase of the year (barring disaster-type scenarios). Highly likely I’ll be out of a job in a month or two. I get tempted to despair/complain, but I’m going to choose to believe that whatever my life situation, it’s exactly where God wants me at the moment. So learn what he wants me to and don’t lose hope. It really kills my pride to be drifting along with nothing to root my identity in but Christ alone. Can’t help placing value in “success” as the world knows it. But in the end it’s just a chasing after the wind, and that’s a lesson better learned sooner than later. Thanks for giving me absolutely nothing to boast in haha. Sigh.

Know what’s funny? This guitar will be in my life for longer than most people will.

EDIT: GENDER OF GUITAR HAS BEEN CHANGED TO MALE AND NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED TO SEBASTIAN.

내 꿈꿔

It’s almost like Inception. Sometimes feel like I’m starting to gain more control in my dreams. But at the same time I have NO control and wake up in a horrible mood. And I have yet to implant a thought in someone else’s dream. Dreams are not prophetic and yet. And yet they seem to have an agenda. Whether for good or for evil I have yet to ascertain. Probably evil.

There are things that make make my heart smile. Implementing action plan to pursue such things. Not knowing what tomorrow may bring is one part scary, nine parts exhilarating.

Bubbly

Really, really liked the song when it first came out. Distinctly remember summer of 2007. When I’d hear it on the radio it made me smile. I was living at a friend’s house for a couple months at the time, and for some reason didn’t have a computer at first, and when I finally got one it was one of the first songs I DLed. Now I hear it and I’m like. That again? Haven’t the faintest what I ever heard in you. It’s disheartening. The inevitable decline in delighting which occurs in relationships between human beings and absolutely any person/place/thing.

Butterflies. Pedestals. Racing hearts. Wonder. All meet the same end, one way or another.

He is the exception. He is the one who captivates my heart over and over again. He is the one who beckons me draw near. He is the one who never gives up, relentless in his pursuit. He is the one who reminds me I was bought with a price and my life is found in him alone, starts and ends in him alone. He is the one who is more than enough. He knows what I need.

I’ve traded the truth for the lie too many times. Patiently he waits for me. As faithful to me as I was unfaithful to him. He who, while I was angry and hurting and lashing out at a world that didn’t seem to care, kept me from harm and rescued me countless times when reason would have declared me dead. He who, at the lowest point of my life, lifted my chin looked me square in the eyes and showed compassion I’d never known. He whose heart broke every time mine did. He whose humility and meekness put me to shame. He who is patient with my selfishness, my stubbornness, my disobedience, my pride, my indifference, my ignorance, my rebellion. He who knows me, better than I know myself, and yet loves me still.

Who am I that you’ve gone to such lengths to have me? Who am I to question my place in life when you in your infinite wisdom/care for me have placed me where I am? You who know the plans you have for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. Who am I to seek my identity in anything/anyone other than you and you alone?

I’ve been saying I give up a lot these days. With a halfhearted, screw-it implication. But I’ll say it now wholeheartedly. I GIVE UP. I give up wanting any more or less than what I’ve been given, for every good and perfect gift comes from your hand. I give up fighting against your timeline for me, for you are the author of time.  I give up seeking affirmation/respect from creation, for what does it matter if I have not the approval of my Creator. I. Give. Up.

I’m so bad at acknowledging I need your help. But here I am. Only show me more of you.

Closing Time

Tried a new hairdresser. Hated it at first. Definitely was not worth what I paid. Now that it’s been a month I’m getting used to it. I’m pretty quiet at the salon, don’t say much. She told me that if I have a business I would do well because I have an honest face and people wouldn’t feel like I’m trying to deceive or take advantage them. She also told me I seem like I’m pretty sensitive. Thank you, walking fortune cookie who made me look like Xena, warrior princess.

New assistant manager pushes me to sell more aggressively. He told me once I do, I could do really well because people wouldn’t be able to say no to me, because I seem so nice. They like to wave around theoretical commissions checks like donuts on a string, but honestly, impoverished as I am, it compels me not the slightest. I can be extremely competitive, but not when success comes at the cost of others’ hard-earned savings. I want to help them save money. As often as I can I lower their bills if they’re overpaying. Makes me happy to help.

“Assume the sale.” “ABC: Always Be Closing.” “Ask for the sale at least three times.” “Position yourself as the buying facilitator.” When I used to hear the words “I’m in sales” I didn’t give it much thought. Now I know it as an entire underworld I never knew existed.  And it does not feel like home. If someone tells me they don’t want something, I’m going to be the first to accept it as case closed. Done and done. Thanks for your time and good-bye.

Similar attitude in other areas of my life. What, you don’t like me? Who am I to protest, or attempt to convince you why you should. Wish you well as you go off on your merry way! What, you think badly of Christianity? No problem, I’ll not bring it up unless you ask.

Maybe. It’s good that I’m here. And being pushed to be what I’m not. Character development.

Live Free or Die Hard

Faithfulness he talked of, madam. Your enduring faithfulness. Now tell me truly, when you found out he was gone did you get engaged to your prince that same hour or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?” Oh Man in Black. If only life were so simple. To presume what goes on in another’s heart is an exercise in futility. God is wise in denying such clairvoyance; it’d beget more grief than joy, as the reality of total depravity would prove traumatizing.

That being said. The typical soap opera “I love you but you will never know until it’s too late” is all too prevalent. E.g. family member passes on unexpectedly, bereft person sobs at funeral “I never got to tell you…” Why do we do this. Fear of changing status quo. Pride. Laziness. Complacency. With God, lip service is not enough. Declaring love for him means living a different life. Necessitates transformation at the core of who you thought you were. And so it is with our human relationships. We know it requires much of us, and so we hesitate. As well we should! It is no small price, to love someone. Giving without expecting. Quid pro no.

Don’t have the gift of celibacy, but I fall into the group of people who could do it if they had to. I’m so introverted that I would be doing at least one man in the world a favor. There are days when I think, “God please send me a godly man,” but it’s a plea that’s only a couple notches above, “God please help me lose this belly flab.” May literally be the only person in the world to think this, but sometimes find myself more looking forward to having a mother-in-law than to having a husband. I want to be like a real daughter to her. And for her to love me. Haha how disenchanted am I to the idea of husbands that I’d prefer the company of his mom. Or perhaps it’s due to a lack of depth with mine. Either way still hope to have both someday.

I give up trying to ascertain what traits are compatible with mine. Only one matters. He will probably be aesthetically displeasing and awkward as heck but he will love God more than anyone/anything and for that I would give him what’s left of this pathetic heart.

Would like to pop the bubble and get out there. The world is hardly my oyster, but confident there’s work for me to do. “The day you find a job that you love is the day you stop working.” Feeling increasingly the desire to “stop working.” Being faithful to what you’ve been given is one thing. Failing to look up from what you’re doing and being oblivious to the destination is another. Dreams and passions and talents are given for a reason. Stop stalling, Elle.

It’s been a long year, and I’m finally ready to be here.” Deep breath. Let’s do this.

How Can You Be So

Use it or lose it applies to any muscle. Including the heart. I feel like mine’s been out of commission since I left Philly. Not that it was ever any sort of powerhouse. As draining as it was, I miss pouring out my time/money/energy/love for the people put under my care. I miss feeling spent, for something that lasts. It’s been six years since I decided I wanted to be in ministry in some shape/form for the rest of my life. In some ways I felt called. But I have a decidedly selfish motive for doing so. Ministry saves me from myself. It forces me to look beyond my wants/needs/desires, and put others before me not just in word but in action. It puts me in my place. I don’t like the person I become when I’m not being stretched/challenged. Seem incapable of doing it on my own. Any good I’ve done for the kingdom has always been accompanied by an insistent/non-negotiable push from God.

Incident this week, wake-up call of sorts. Will try to be as ambiguous as possible as not to get fired. We get a lot of non-English speaking customers. Surprisingly large proportion of customers from a country that I went on missions to almost three years ago. One customer from unsaid country purchased a device with a two year agreement. We recognize him. We recognize all the customers who come in just to complain about their service. Sales take a hit when we’re tied up in troubleshooting. So we see it as an annoyance. Well this customer came in again a couple days ago, and when I saw him waiting I inwardly groaned. And ended up being the one to help him. It wasn’t working out for him, and he was unable to cancel his service. I cannot go into further detail. But. He was so frustrated and upset. And as his voice got louder, my tiny heart broke. His was a frustration rooted in being an immigrant, unable to fit into society and viewed with contempt/scorn by 90% of the population. It’s a frustration I’ve seen in my parents. I felt so rebuked for my coldness toward him, for taking away his dignity in my failure to see him as a human being. And my heart hurt so much for him that all I wanted to do was hold his hand and give him a real hug. And I used to feel this way toward people on a regular basis, but this was the first time in a long time. It makes me teary just thinking about him. Once the store closed and I left, I saw that he was still outside. He came up to me and apologized for getting so upset earlier, and once again explained his side of the story in broken English. I’m so sad. I’m sad for this man. I’m sad for how he’s treated. I’m sad for how I’ve treated him. I’m sad for his sadness. And I repent for my lack of love. That man had “no form or majesty that we should look at him, and no beauty that we should desire him.” Yet in seeing him through the eyes of love, he was so beautiful, so much so that I was surprised I didn’t see it before.

This world is replete with hurt and grief and loneliness and pain and despair. If I’m content in the pursuit of my own happiness, I’m a tool and an ass. Break my heart for what breaks yours. You set me free that I might be free in the truest sense, in serving others to serve the only one worthy of being served. I love that you move me.

BWAHA

Art Walk #2. Went better than I thought it would. Guess I’ll do it again in April.

Adjustments: Brought 164 shirts this time, sold 13. Exceeded goal by five shirts. Did not sit down at all and stood near front of tent all night, and forced myself to talk to people a lot more. Made and brought email list sign-up sheet, though forgot to put it out till toward the end of the night when someone asked me if they could get email updates. Used Square app to accept credit card payments, worked beautifully. Customers liked signing their name with their finger, points for novelty. Presentation was much better. Hung all shirts on one wall, and had placards with descriptions next to shirts. Had table up front instead of in the back, and table cloth.

Criticisms: Forgetting email sign-up sheet. Ran out of business cards, photobooth website cards, and etsy website cards. Also, my business cards just have my BWA website on them. Must make one with my name and contact info as well. And. Perhaps my shorts were too short. Some guys tried to holla. Next time I will use those as opportunities to make more sales, as opposed to brushing them off and wishing they’d go away.

Thumbs Up: Bought chips and salsa beforehand, happily noshed away on both all night. Brought etsy frames and some clay items. Some people asked to take pictures of the frames/shirts. Befriended girl in booth next to me, she gave me discount on jewelry. Talking with her made Art Walk and just business in general seem more like a group effort, something we’re all trying to do together. Talked with a handful of designers throughout the night. Cool connecting with people who have similar passion. Appreciating the art community in LA!

Notes: Still need to make stickers. Saw a booth for a nonprofit organization. For next time want to make info sheet about designing/printing custom shirts for groups. And also to send to organizations in general. And also have a page on my website. Must learn to create html emails, and figure out what I want to send.

And: Was willing to do all setup/teardown on my own but friend asked if she could help. It would’ve been crazy difficult without her and her husband. So thankful. I think one man can do the work of three girls. It’s ridiculous.

Plagiarism

Re-posting part of a NYT article from yesterday. “New Humanism” is a step in the right direction.

“I’ve come to believe that these failures spring from a single failure: reliance on an overly simplistic view of human nature. We have a prevailing view in our society — not only in the policy world, but in many spheres — that we are divided creatures. Reason, which is trustworthy, is separate from the emotions, which are suspect. Society progresses to the extent that reason can suppress the passions.

This has created a distortion in our culture. We emphasize things that are rational and conscious and are inarticulate about the processes down below. We are really good at talking about material things but bad at talking about emotion.

When we raise our kids, we focus on the traits measured by grades and SAT scores. But when it comes to the most important things like character and how to build relationships, we often have nothing to say. Many of our public policies are proposed by experts who are comfortable only with correlations that can be measured, appropriated and quantified, and ignore everything else.

Yet while we are trapped within this amputated view of human nature, a richer and deeper view is coming back into view. It is being brought to us by researchers across an array of diverse fields: neuroscience, psychology, sociology, behavioral economics and so on.

This growing, dispersed body of research reminds us of a few key insights. First, the unconscious parts of the mind are most of the mind, where many of the most impressive feats of thinking take place. Second, emotion is not opposed to reason; our emotions assign value to things and are the basis of reason. Finally, we are not individuals who form relationships. We are social animals, deeply interpenetrated with one another, who emerge out of relationships.

This body of research suggests the French enlightenment view of human nature, which emphasized individualism and reason, was wrong. The British enlightenment, which emphasized social sentiments, was more accurate about who we are. It suggests we are not divided creatures. We don’t only progress as reason dominates the passions. We also thrive as we educate our emotions.

When you synthesize this research, you get different perspectives on everything from business to family to politics. You pay less attention to how people analyze the world but more to how they perceive and organize it in their minds. You pay a bit less attention to individual traits and more to the quality of relationships between people.

You get a different view of, say, human capital. Over the past few decades, we have tended to define human capital in the narrow way, emphasizing I.Q., degrees, and professional skills. Those are all important, obviously, but this research illuminates a range of deeper talents, which span reason and emotion and make a hash of both categories:

Attunement: the ability to enter other minds and learn what they have to offer.

Equipoise: the ability to serenely monitor the movements of one’s own mind and correct for biases and shortcomings.

Metis: the ability to see patterns in the world and derive a gist from complex situations.

Sympathy: the ability to fall into a rhythm with those around you and thrive in groups.

Limerence: This isn’t a talent as much as a motivation. The conscious mind hungers for money and success, but the unconscious mind hungers for those moments of transcendence when the skull line falls away and we are lost in love for another, the challenge of a task or the love of God. Some people seem to experience this drive more powerfully than others.

When Sigmund Freud came up with his view of the unconscious, it had a huge effect on society and literature. Now hundreds of thousands of researchers are coming up with a more accurate view of who we are. Their work is scientific, but it directs our attention toward a new humanism. It’s beginning to show how the emotional and the rational are intertwined.

I suspect their work will have a giant effect on the culture. It’ll change how we see ourselves. Who knows, it may even someday transform the way our policy makers see the world.”