As a freshman in college, a wise man once said to me, “The four options are: study, food, friends, sleep. But you only get to pick three.” I opted for food, friends, and sleep. Regrettably. What was never explained in likewise comprehensive fashion is that the same holds true in the search of SO’s. There are multiple “options” (traits, if you will), and the presence of some necessitates the absence of others. Regrettably. For all intents/purposes, an INFP cannot be an ESTJ.
Gross oversimplification:
Person A displays distinguished mental prowess. Ergo, person A is an emotional cripple. Person B is keenly sensitive to others’ needs. Ergo, person B is recklessly impulsive.
The problem? The List. I’m skeptical of any girl who says she doesn’t have one. If that’s truly the case, she’s aligned herself with prostitutes and whores. “Any port in a storm.” So we presuppose the List. What’s problematic is that half the things on the List cannot coexist in a human being who definitively evinces the other half of the things on the List.
Powlison, who wrote the book on (biblical) change, maintains that, ” There are certain things that will never change: original equipment, different endowments, different gifts. Some things that are a given. That doesn’t mean an introvert can’t love, or an extrovert can’t listen.” The older you get, much of the foundational who you are attributes solidify. Where doth our hope come from? He continues, “What changes you, fundamentally, is a relational change. You’re changed vis-à-vis a person, changed by the living God. We think, that somehow the human heart can be put on operating table and changed. But NO. It requires an internal repentance, faith, and turning to him.” Not sheer willpower.
Back to the List. There were many items on my List(s). There was a List I was willing to divulge to others, a List I refused to share, and a List I never really admitted to myself. Well, it seems to me when a guy comes along and, somehow against my will, wins me over? Most everything got thrown out the window. (Tangent: it is disturbingly easy to change a girl’s mind. If I were a man, knowing what I do about the inner workings of the female mind, I would rule the world. For this reason I am so thankful that God constructed the inner workings of the male mind in such a way that even the intelligent ones fail to understand, and often it’s superb use of logic that becomes their undoing. Rules of logic work on neither God nor women.) No matter who you end up with, there are going to be difficulties and conflict. But there are definitely pairs who are naturally inclined to interact with less friction. In retrospect, the party-of-two’s I’ve participated in over the last six years had me running in circles. Same core issues in different manifestations. There is some quote out there floating around that goes along the lines of “I am always dissatisfied and that is great because it drives me to want/do more.” I think a few years ago I would’ve been more receptive to that line of thinking. And perhaps I’ll confess here that I’ve flirted with similar notions in the recent past as well. It boils down to “this-was-not-what-I-had-on-my-List-so-change“. And you rationalize it by saying all parties concerned will be the better for it in the end. How fantastic, one might marvel, that I can see all your flaws and am able to voice my displeasure loudly, for the sake of your personal and relational growth! How fantastically destructive.
All to say, don’t set your mind on what things you “need”, there’s no exact puzzle piece, people can change, and being discouraged by adversity is unhelpful. The motivating factor in wanting “more” should be love and genuine care, not exasperation and dismay.
It came as a surprise, but what I’ve realized/decided, (and I say it with the confidence of a twenty-seven year old, which is only a little less arrogant than the confidence of a twenty-two year old), is that it comes down to how someone makes me feel. The List itself requires a revolution. The age of items to be checked off has passed. So WHAT if he has XYZ. From now on my list is going to be comprised of questions. I started writing out some questions but deleted them because they gave me away. You might respond duh, the List is to screen potential psychos, and once you’re dating you ask the questions. Well. I am dumb enough to have never fully transitioned from the one to the other. Because I am emotional and swing wildly. How I feel at one moment can completely contradict what I felt a moment ago. So I’d learned to discount my feelings. Older, wiser people would say to me, “But are you happy?” And I would always be perplexed. I’m trying to discern whether this person is right for me, why are you inquiring as to my happiness? Oh light bulb, you were so very slow/stubborn to turn on.
Will cautiously make attempts to pursue happiness. Don’t yet know what that looks like.
My one redeeming quality is that I have been crucified with Christ. And it’s with the heart of a beaming little girl showing off the father she adores that I say it! There’s nothing else that recommends me but this fact alone. Everything else turns to naught. I have been forgiven much. I have been loved much. And therein lies indestructible hope.
WYSINWYG 